OH, CHRISTMAS!

Oh, It's christmas. NONONO! OH, was christmas!

Christmas just ended like that and today is "BOXING DAY"!! So fast, it going to be a brand new year after few days more. Year 2014. *not excited at all* =.=  Before this I smile and laugh everyday. But people around me makes me not like that anymore. I am a person who can happy until jumping up and down  just because of a small little thing. Making me happy isn't hard.

What i was thinking is all this while, few years time. The people who you see everyday and the people who you talk to everyday never ever treat you as their friend. This is sad. What i have done, what i treat them, they don't appreciate. They don't even care about my feeling, they just care about them self. That's hurt. Who i been facing everyday is not my friend, not my classmates, not even a stranger. Cause they see me like a prisoner.

I dunno what relationship we are, can you tell me please? I am confused. I am curious. I wanna know.

I remember few that makes me sad and cried.
-"you have many friends out there, you don't need us."
-"we din't ask you to do for us, your self who want to do it wut!"
-"i never invite you because i don't want my friend unhappy because of your appearance."
-"yea! why? we are going to a party that you're not invited to!"

****please think if you are in my situation, what do you feel.

Since the day when i was born, people throw me a side.
In these 25 years time, same thing happen again and again.
I always think i will be alright or i am okay with it, but actually not.

But anyway, there will be always someone who will pick me up and let me continue to another stage of my life. Thank you!

Thank you those who always makes me cry; it makes me understand life isn't beautiful.

Thank you to those who treat me so bad;  it makes me realize human are the scariest animal on earth.

Thank you to those who always put me into a bad situation; it makes me stronger and tougher.

Thank you those who set me up and make problem on me; it makes me experience what people true face under the mask.

Thank you those who always push me down; it makes me never stop from chasing what i want.

Thank you!!

I know god must have a reason why giving you so many problem and letting you facing so many difficult things. I am pretty sure god have the reason.

Thank you to my family, parents, sisters, brothers, friends, relatives, all who supports me when ever i need support. Thank you so much. Appreciated!

*merrychristmasandhappynewyear*

THE TRANSPARENT JACKET THAT MAKES ME INVISIBLE

Its doesn't seems happy.

anyway

but

yes, EXCITEDyetSCARED!

YA- LONDON- YESH- LONDON

I am coming soon LONDON!

BIG Thank you to MADAM.

Thank you to all my FRIENDS...

"will blog about this in the next blog............................."

After the competition, i saw more than i expected. i heard more than i expected. Felt a bit disappointed but anyway, EXPECTED! Still will feel sad even though i knew it will happened. My problem? or really just not many people can accept me? If ask myself, honestly i think i am good enough to become a friend. Serious! i am not kidding. But why? 

3 weeks! 

3 weeks i never back to school already. I fly to Singapore on that day after my competition. Went to Singapore one week. Met many friends over there, so happy. After Singapore, i back to school. Can tell everytime when i back to school, i don't feel happy. After the week i fall sick. Cough until asma and serious flu on me T.T *cries*

And now the 4th week. The awkward "friend" leave school already and now i feel more comfortable. There's always a transparent jacket on me and makes me invisible. Even still, i am always the left out one. Can see none of them were happy to see me win the competition except the other group of them. But honestly, i am scared to know i am the winner. i am scared that what in my mind will happen after that. Cause the original situation already worst and now i think will be even worst. 

What makes me blog again. Although i am strong enough, i am still weak. I am weak on control my own feeling but can't help, its my real feeling straight from my heart. On that day, i cried. NONONO, should say, i tears.... haha I cried on the bus when i am going to the school. Tears drop.... None of them congrats me in facebook. None of them like my photo. I just REALIZED, none of them follow my instagram!! sad right ? my tears just can't control and luckily i am wearing sunglasses and no one beside me =D

I was sick, and i purposely went to kl by bus to just to pass you the gift before you leave. Doesn't you feel happy to recieve kind of things? I don't even dare to meet you. I just leave it there and ask you to collect. I did farewell to her but she has no respond. Not even a thank you. i knew i won't be seeing you anymore so i gave you such a farewell gift. But ...... aihhh... just forget about it. 

Its all about my school life. My school life doesn't seem happy anyway. i feel lonely because whenever i feel sad i can't find one to talk about. My dairy or blogspot will be my best friend when i feel sad. 

"you are stronger than what you believe"

i hope i can be stronger and tougher

*thetransparentjacketthatmakesmeinvisible*

loveyou

SHOULD I BE HAPPY

Its September.

Its September man. Its my birthday month. I am September baby but I'm afraid of this month. Since don't know when i started afraid of my birthday coming seriously. I can say every time when my birthday sure something not happy happened on me.

I don't feel excited anymore to my birthday. Every time what i plan also failed. Felt so sad about that anymore so no more want to think about that anymore now. Just hope few of my close friends and my family have a simple dinner can already. Its more than enough!

What i should get for my self this year? hmmmmm *thinking*

AM too stress on what i having now. Working on a competition which is Kronenbourg 1664 L'aperitif Fashion 2013. http://kronenbourg1664.com.my/LAF/top10.php Winner can stand a chance to work in London for 3-months internship. Whats a good platform for my final year. At the same time, this year i have to work for my final year project which is my graduation on November, the same month with the competition. Stressed!

Feel glad to have a really close friend in school finally since last year but she just left to London last week. And she brought me another friend which is my senior too. Thanks for everything. Please pray for my friend in London, take good care and live good!

My "heart" will never be happy for long. Feel so sad like you really giving out your heart but people treat you like nobody. Seriously, damn fucking sad! Not only girls, guys also the same. Everyday stay in the school facing all my work alone. Don't you think its a abnormal life for a normal person. This will cause me become even more e-m-o. Anyway, i am always tough facing all my problems, not a big deal for me. Worst come to worst, work until fall sick or cry every night only. LOLLL......

Thanks to those friends and my relative and family members who vote me everyday. Support me like a princess. Glad to get those "love" from them. Appreciated and love you guys so much! *true from heart*

Never been awaiting for my "big" day before. Cause i will always think there have no one will willing to give me a surprise or a touching day. All i need is sincere true from your heart, thats enough. I have done many times to my friends thats why i feel sad.

Like i am happy my friend make a cake for me last year, we went out for dinner. Took photos. =) thanks!


Presents? YESH!!!!
^^ i will happy if i get any from you you you you...... any of you! hahahaha

wish me luck on my competition 

NIP

STAND ALONE

Its a "big" day.... what a "surprise"!!

Went for a surgery for my neck 2 days ago. 

Since after my car accident, my neck injured. So every 2weeks fixed i will be going for check up. Do physio every week and take medicine everyday. Since October until January, my shoulder and neck still feel pain. My mum keep saying "Don't carry heavy bags to school, don't put too many things in your handbag!" But no choice, i have to take bus to KL for my class everyday. And i need to work every wednesday and thursday, do you think i can anyhow not to carry things? I need to study and at the same time i need to work for my part time job. If you think i shouldn't take heavy things, but ANYONE EVER HELP ME to carry things when i need people to help. When i come home, need to unload my stuff from my car, anyone come out and help me? When im in school, anyone ever said "come i help you to carry"? 

NEVERMIND!!

Seriously, i am already used to not to get any help from others. People who really help me i will appreciate and thank you. For me, you give me a little help then i will very appreciate already cos normally really don't have much could really help you. When i say thank you means i really appreacite =) 

I remembered, i'd been argued with my dad and my brother. I was so sad about my neck cos it keep annoying me and drag me alot of time to get done my stuff. I remembered, i have i alot of things to carry. A sewing machine, 2 rolls of paper, one bag of materials and another bag of fabric. Well when i take my stuff from the boot, my dad shouted :"faster la" then i angry already. I carried all by my self and shouted :" see i carry alot of stuff but never help me and some more shouted at me!" then i cried. I was sad because when ever my brother came back, everyone go out and help him to carry all the bag to his room. 

ME? =( 

I understand, he seldom come back and he is the one who take care the whole family. Hmmmm

*just the feeling*

*notbalance*

Okay back to the main topic. 

Last week when i went for check up, doctor wrote me a letter and asked me to do MRI for my neck. Cause its already few months and after med and physio my neck still cant get better. After MRI will be clearer what cause my neck still pain.

What is MRI? This is what i did.

There is 2 types, and u can see the different from the picture. 

 

And i did the MRI with machine from the picture above. (the bottom one) 

I drove to hospital alone early in the morning, time 645am. Reported my self to the nurse and clothed on with what patient need to wear and wait for the MRI. After served me the breakfast, i slept alone in the room from 8am to 12pm. In the end, nurse came in and told me "be ready, we are going to do MRI soon"

After 10 to 15 mins, nurse brought me to the MRI room. I wait outside for around 15 mins and its damn cold and imagine im wearing a thin fabric and without inner wear. 

It takes around 15 mins to 20 mins on that table. Lying on the table and there's like a cage to lock my head in right position. Few lock on my body to avoid my body moving while the MRI is running. 

Went back to my room and wait for the report. The report have to wait about 2 or 3 hours for them to analyse. When dinner time, my parents came to visit me and doctor came in and said,

: " Your daughter need to do operation for her neck." 

: " Do laser to burn the disc from her neck bone" 

: " I will inject the thing from right side of your neck, and find the correct position, then i use laser to burn the disc" "Very fast one, its takes around 1 or 2 hours." 

Then my sister asked :" Will it be any after effect after the operation?"

He said maybe my voice will change a abit different because he go in from my neck through my throat. I was a bit worried but i still need to do it right? Cause the pain is really so annoying. My parents is worried and my sister too. And they decided to let me do this surgery so I HAVE TO STAY IN HOSPITAL!  I taught i can  go home after the MRI scan. But.............. no choice staying in hospital and wait for the operation tomorrow.

First time go to hospital alone.

First time stay in the hospital alone. 

hmmmmm...... well, its not scary. I sleep alone in a single bed room for few nights i think its quite comfortable. Not scary at all!

ok, i need to rest now, blog will be continue by tomorrow. 

=) 

"missrobotiamnow"

GOOD ENOUGH

Ellielimmeili.
Ellie is good enough to you compare to others. But you don't even appreciate and this is the 3rd time, 3rd time OKAY!!!  Hmmm. If i am the one who you find when you are boring only, please don't disturb me and mess up my mind and my time.

Something i not happy with is...
(he mentioned before)
-not everyone have to treat you good

Fine!!!
Thats it...
Really thats it.

Sometime, you thought you want to find someone to share with and that person don't even interested and don't even care whats you're sharing. So sad okay.

Hmm.... bye to you =) There's lot more here to love me and care about me.

*lovemyfamily*

我可以無所謂

寂寞先生

曹格

你的笑容是恩惠　世界難得那麼美 

於是追 要你陪　可惜本能終會將美麗汗水化成淚水

黑夜之所以會黑　叫醒人心裡的鬼

在遊說 在縈迴　在體內是什麼 在把我摧毀在傷痕累累

我可以無所謂　寂寞卻一直掉眼淚

人類除了擅長頹廢　做什麼都不對　Oh ... I'm not okay

我假裝無所謂　才看不到心被擰碎

人在愛情裡越殘廢　就會越多安慰　無論(有)多虛偽

空虛並非是詞彙　能夠形容的魔鬼

它支配著行為　能擺脫寂寞我什麼都肯給　就像個傀儡

曲：曹格

詞：小寒

*love this song so much*

*lyrics DIM!!*

MASK

How do identify a person whether is true anot? Can you teach me how? For those who know me will know whats my attitude and whats my thinking. Hardly accept anyone in my life and hardly open my heart and do considering. What i can say is " DISAPPOINTED ". Thought there will be something interesting appear in my life but too bad, its just " hi " and going to say "bye" ??? Hmmmmm..... What do you think?

Why people have to be so complicated?
Want then go for it.
Don't want then just leave it.
Don't mess everywhere....
*easy*

Hmmmmm...... First time, really first time.

*booms*

NEITHER

How do you think? 

What do you think? 

Do you think okay?

Any comment?

Saw some things today, and its just not long ago. So, do you think i should believe you? nonono, i should say this way. Do you think i should give you a chance? Hahaha....... =.=

Hmm.... just see what will happen next and please don't ever let me feel uncomfortable *thanks*. The important things is no lies behind, if yes then just bye =) Thinking there is just not long ago but so fast !! Hmm .. Is this showing that you are what kind of person? But of cause depends on what then only can comment a person. Anyway, just let it be. The god will help me to choose the correct one =)

So many things to do this week, almost die. 2 dresses to alter, one competition (diesel), fashion show and my partime job. This week is really really killing me. *killing me softly, killing me softly......... (songplaying)* Everyoen is getting marry this year, its a happy year for me. Seeing my friend get into a relationship, feel happy for her and he loves her so much. =D At the same time, my mind was asking " when i can see my 3 other friends to get a partner?" Anyways, we are always together dela~ xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxx

Thank you for today! Rest well and rest more.
Goodnight!

*percypigbuttercookies*

OH!!

Oh this is a bit different. Whats in my mind leh? Lets time make me clearer =)


After the few months, now finally i feel free. More relax now but i don't know whether i feel stressed or what, my gastric back to me again. Quite serious this time, pain for 2days already and i can't eat much. Some more gastric wind make me feel like vomit. can't stand properly because very pain. *cry*

Btw, recently got the group chat with all my seafood family members. Feel so happy can get all the updates from them although we all are not together. Some of them in Melbourne and some of them in KL and some of them in Seremban. Everyday when wake up, the first thing to do is read in whatsapp.

Good news!! School ever one week holiday, tomorrow no need to go to school. Happy that i no need to wake up early and take bus to KL. =D Will stay in the house and finish my work but !! BUT!! wednesday and thursday also need to work. *sigh*


Hope there is a bright way for me ya!

*hellopanda*

AM NOT SURE

Sometime people might not happy to talk with you, but i don't know.
Sometime people might not happy with your offer, but i don't know.
Sometime people might not willing to say yes, but i don't know.
Sometime people might not accepted, but i don't know.

hmmmm......... well, I AM NOT SURE!
I am not sure is that really true or something else, you will never know until they tell you.

LOVE STORY

Like someone and let someone stay in your heart for few years is not easy. Everyday want to know what someone's doing and where someone at.  Try to talk to someone, try to get someone's contact, try to go out with someone. When you know someone don't like you and someone is belongs to other, it was like end of the day.

After watching this movie, i feel so sad and i feel so touch. Its a thailand love story, saying about teenager's school life and love life. How good if let the girl know earlier that the boy love her too. Drama or movie always like that. HEY!! don't make me live in movie please..... i want a real life! Can i have one please?

Actually it happened on me before, twice. Like a guy for almost 4 years. Try every single way to connect with him. And try hard to find out who is he and details. Connected, talk, and chat. Getting closer and more topics. Sad case, he told me about the girl he like and wanna go for it. This is the most sad thing and i don't wanna know. Happy when everytime i see him, everyday like waiting to chat with him. Even he is in a relationship, my heart is still remain the same. Don't call me stupid please. Never request for anything. Feel happy and sad all alone. If let say there is a nextime, i will choose to let him know and ask for it! PEOPLE!! MUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT OKAY!! GANBATEH!! 

How good if both love each other !

*imagination....................* 

HAPPENDED ON ME AGAIN

Its been after 4 or 5 year, now i meet another one. But every time the same, is this a CURSE??


If i message you meaning i want to chat with you. (if not i don't even care)
If i keep asking you meaning i really want a long chat.
If i say "you fuhin ngor, never reply also" meaning i want you to care me more and text me more.
If i try to ask you for a accompany meaning i want to see you.


Why guy is always so KAYU one?


If you really want to get me, please show me you "heart". Don't just use your mouth and talk, please do some action. Everyone can talk, talk can be very easy but you've to do it.


I am okay if i couldn't start. Even if i missed. Because i will keep going and never look back. If any decision have make, i will keep it and look forward. I wont force myself to accept something that i know i will not happy or don't like later, so i better choose not!


Even sometimes you talking so sweet to me but i m not sure whether you are the same to other girls anot. I don't feel any secure from you. When you are asking me to go anywhere and when i reconfirm, you've already get another plan. So i don't know whether you are really want to have a date with me or only want "someone" can accompany you. Please make it clear man!! I am confused. Sometimes you never reply me and sometimes you don't even bother me. Hmmmmm......

Sad case.



Let's see what uncle benny said is true anot.

hug

xoxo

IN THIS MOMENT

I am sad.

I am stressed.

I feel down when seeing that.

I felt depressed when i knew it.

I AM OUT !

*tough baby tough*

GET UP

*my appearance doesnt make any different*

PLUS ++

iamnotwelcomeandalwaysnotinvited

iwillkeepmyselfawayfromthismoment

pullmyselfawayinsteadofletpeoplepushmeaway

concentradewhatiamdoingrightnowanddonteventhinkwhathappening

"pleaseuppoweryourmoudiushangongandmoudiueverything"

THANKYOUVERYMUCH

MAYBE

How much you can understand and at the same time how about you?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!

Serious i don't understand. I've lots of thing i don't understand. Is it a feeling from me only or its a reality? Some times i really cannot identify which is which. No matter where i am and who i with, i also have the same feeling. I always felt that i am the left out one. Where ever i go, i also felt that i am always the one who people will always forget. OKAY, maybe its just what i think, maybe its not or maybe its yes.

How ever how i close with you, i still feel there a big distance between us. We are not talking to each other even there's only both of us. Don't talk about girls and boys, but as a normal person, will you not talking to your friend that sitting beside you while both doing nothing? Unless both of them just fight right! Hmmmm, i have no idea and this situation always makes me so down and no mood. Hate being ignored by people.

And you know what? i asked: "are you going to ignore me?" and he answered :"yes. cos im going out now!" WTH... i seriously speechless man!! Why i always faced those who don't like to text? When ever i want to talk and share, you and you and you will always just "pass by". I really feel so alone like the song of 2NE1 "alone". I am not meaning there's no one who chat with me but when ever when i text you means i wants to talk to you and i want to tells you about me. But you you you you you will just end the topic so fast and easy.

Last week, i found out so many tiny and cute stuff. And i realized there're few of them gave me so many things. He can be very good to you when they wants you, but when they already have one then they willbe totally different.

(1) Exp- Ques: Can you help me to check what problem to my laptop?

(last time) : rush? okok, later pass me your laptop la.

(now) : HARH!!! *unwilling face*

I was like (stop), : "ok, i will ask my friend to help me to check."

This is the different between last time and now.

There's alots more i can tells but i think this is enough.

Girls will always giving out some tips, just depends you get it anot only!

And now i will not asking more already. Thanks for making me going to be such a "moudiu" person. I should say thank you! =)

My appearance doesn't makes any different, so just ............ hmmmm.

*ilupbunbunxoxo*

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM

*there's always happened...

When always im trying to start a topic to avoid the weird situation and there's always kena ignored. If really, next time i wont be talking anymore. And i wish i will never asking for people help if i can make it mysef, seriously! i don't like to see people's face while i do nothing wrong.

And always when i need some one to talk to, there's always "no reply" or "one message conversation". If im texting you means i want to chat with you but there's always ....... i feel so sad, because i feel so not important.

It just makes me feel, and im sorry. There's plenty of names in my phone book. But there's no one i can really text to. Because i know :-

- this is always busy

- this will not reply

- this is not good to be chat

- this will not be able to chat with you

- this have no topic to talk to

- this is not interested with your stuff

I know there's always some one that wish to talk to me and dont be misunderstand what im writing right now. i just feel sad why.....

Okay, i know i my such a emo. But can't help, sorry.

*just tells....

Some times i rather you just say it out honestly, and without any like " dont tell, later she not happy". but if i found it out later under this situation i will more sad. i already understand and accept what is going on beside me. i wish just let it be, nothing wrong letting me know and i knew there always no place for me to join. =) so no worry about that =) im okay and im accepting everything now on.

i m happy when i seeing them feel happy after i helping them, that's why i always give help whenever people need help. But some is always not appreciate and will not be remember what i did for them. People is always will remember the bad of you and never remember what the goods. Some always telling me that, don't be so kind. Because people will never appreciate. But cannot help, because i can't make it being not to help when seeing people asking for help.

Karma, i trust it! people will pay for it on what they did. =)

One whole month, i "earn" a lot. Found out many things. And same goes to my close friend. He got the same problem too. And now he finally understand what's the feeling. There's always some "ugly" one with a nice face. You will never know which is "human" and which is "ghost". And you can see who is really supporting you and which is not. That's why i said i earned a lot.

*there's always some different one....

You can see why people is so concern about you and what is going with you, what the problem about. And there's is always got 2 types. One is will keep asking and so exciting and at the same time so worrying, another one is "oooh, isee", "just ignore them lo" (story end). Don't even care about it and don't even want to know about the story. Do you think i should feel sad getting this kind of replies??

THAT'S WHY I CREATE A BLOG, ATLEAST I CAN TELL everything to BLOGSPOT. =)

*songisplaying*

A LOTS MORE

i think there's a lots more things that i don't know about. feel sad when i knew it.

so do u think i should know it or never ever know it?

just been through a tough period that i never try before. its hard, its stressed, its really sad and its really speechless sometimes. BUT, i'd been through all these things. im glad and im happy that i can work out in this situation. *claps for my self* in this world there's a lot of different kind of people. in this 3weeks, i saw quite a lot. some times i was just like the time that im busying my stuff and never listen about gossips or any updates, cos i will be forget all the sadness and anything that will spoil my mood and feeling. after these all, the feeling is back again and i hate this feeling. right after the competition, i got to know 2cases that really makes me back to status "E". and today one more! haihhhhhh.....

ellie, are you really here?

why people can't see you?

okay, can't say people can't see me cos there's others more that is always cares for me and loving me. i feel so happy when i with them. i said before " i love those who loves me" =) *hugs*

after the 3 weeks time, there is always never ending story. another week to rush . and new year is coming very very soon! chinese new year is very soon too!! manythings haven't done! i have to move fast now, if not canot make it on time.

i will do a long post after this cos i need to update what i'd done within this 3weeks times =)

STAY TUNE!!!

*little pink hand on my shoulder*

ELLIE

Ellie is a name that not easy to remember??

*ithinkso*

UN-USE-FUL

Dont care how sincere when u're saying sorry or how many times u mentioned, ITS DOESN'T WORK on those who don't even listen/ care what you're talking about.

When someone is really ignoring you, they will just :

"ok"

"oh i see"

"oh really"

"(only an answer)"

"apa hal"

"yes?"

"anything?"

Last one is TOTALLY IGNORE YOU! din't give any respond and change another topic.

I was just sad when i feel to say sorry because of some causes, but they're no people to give respond and some more i repeated so manytimes still cant get any respond.

*happybirthdaytomybelovedone*