Thursday, December 26, 2013


Oh, It's christmas. NONONO! OH, was christmas!

Christmas just ended like that and today is "BOXING DAY"!! So fast, it going to be a brand new year after few days more. Year 2014. *not excited at all* =.=  Before this I smile and laugh everyday. But people around me makes me not like that anymore. I am a person who can happy until jumping up and down  just because of a small little thing. Making me happy isn't hard.

What i was thinking is all this while, few years time. The people who you see everyday and the people who you talk to everyday never ever treat you as their friend. This is sad. What i have done, what i treat them, they don't appreciate. They don't even care about my feeling, they just care about them self. That's hurt. Who i been facing everyday is not my friend, not my classmates, not even a stranger. Cause they see me like a prisoner.

I dunno what relationship we are, can you tell me please? I am confused. I am curious. I wanna know.

I remember few that makes me sad and cried.
-"you have many friends out there, you don't need us."
-"we din't ask you to do for us, your self who want to do it wut!"
-"i never invite you because i don't want my friend unhappy because of your appearance."
-"yea! why? we are going to a party that you're not invited to!"

****please think if you are in my situation, what do you feel.

Since the day when i was born, people throw me a side.
In these 25 years time, same thing happen again and again.
I always think i will be alright or i am okay with it, but actually not.

But anyway, there will be always someone who will pick me up and let me continue to another stage of my life. Thank you!

Thank you those who always makes me cry; it makes me understand life isn't beautiful.

Thank you to those who treat me so bad;  it makes me realize human are the scariest animal on earth.

Thank you to those who always put me into a bad situation; it makes me stronger and tougher.

Thank you those who set me up and make problem on me; it makes me experience what people true face under the mask.

Thank you those who always push me down; it makes me never stop from chasing what i want.

Thank you!!

I know god must have a reason why giving you so many problem and letting you facing so many difficult things. I am pretty sure god have the reason.

Thank you to my family, parents, sisters, brothers, friends, relatives, all who supports me when ever i need support. Thank you so much. Appreciated!


Friday, December 6, 2013


Its doesn't seems happy.

I am coming soon LONDON!

BIG Thank you to MADAM.
Thank you to all my FRIENDS...

"will blog about this in the next blog............................."

After the competition, i saw more than i expected. i heard more than i expected. Felt a bit disappointed but anyway, EXPECTED! Still will feel sad even though i knew it will happened. My problem? or really just not many people can accept me? If ask myself, honestly i think i am good enough to become a friend. Serious! i am not kidding. But why? 

3 weeks! 
3 weeks i never back to school already. I fly to Singapore on that day after my competition. Went to Singapore one week. Met many friends over there, so happy. After Singapore, i back to school. Can tell everytime when i back to school, i don't feel happy. After the week i fall sick. Cough until asma and serious flu on me T.T *cries*

And now the 4th week. The awkward "friend" leave school already and now i feel more comfortable. There's always a transparent jacket on me and makes me invisible. Even still, i am always the left out one. Can see none of them were happy to see me win the competition except the other group of them. But honestly, i am scared to know i am the winner. i am scared that what in my mind will happen after that. Cause the original situation already worst and now i think will be even worst. 

What makes me blog again. Although i am strong enough, i am still weak. I am weak on control my own feeling but can't help, its my real feeling straight from my heart. On that day, i cried. NONONO, should say, i tears.... haha I cried on the bus when i am going to the school. Tears drop.... None of them congrats me in facebook. None of them like my photo. I just REALIZED, none of them follow my instagram!! sad right ? my tears just can't control and luckily i am wearing sunglasses and no one beside me =D

I was sick, and i purposely went to kl by bus to just to pass you the gift before you leave. Doesn't you feel happy to recieve kind of things? I don't even dare to meet you. I just leave it there and ask you to collect. I did farewell to her but she has no respond. Not even a thank you. i knew i won't be seeing you anymore so i gave you such a farewell gift. But ...... aihhh... just forget about it. 

Its all about my school life. My school life doesn't seem happy anyway. i feel lonely because whenever i feel sad i can't find one to talk about. My dairy or blogspot will be my best friend when i feel sad. 

"you are stronger than what you believe"
i hope i can be stronger and tougher


Thursday, September 12, 2013


Its September.

Its September man. Its my birthday month. I am September baby but I'm afraid of this month. Since don't know when i started afraid of my birthday coming seriously. I can say every time when my birthday sure something not happy happened on me.

I don't feel excited anymore to my birthday. Every time what i plan also failed. Felt so sad about that anymore so no more want to think about that anymore now. Just hope few of my close friends and my family have a simple dinner can already. Its more than enough!

What i should get for my self this year? hmmmmm *thinking*

AM too stress on what i having now. Working on a competition which is Kronenbourg 1664 L'aperitif Fashion 2013. Winner can stand a chance to work in London for 3-months internship. Whats a good platform for my final year. At the same time, this year i have to work for my final year project which is my graduation on November, the same month with the competition. Stressed!

Feel glad to have a really close friend in school finally since last year but she just left to London last week. And she brought me another friend which is my senior too. Thanks for everything. Please pray for my friend in London, take good care and live good!

My "heart" will never be happy for long. Feel so sad like you really giving out your heart but people treat you like nobody. Seriously, damn fucking sad! Not only girls, guys also the same. Everyday stay in the school facing all my work alone. Don't you think its a abnormal life for a normal person. This will cause me become even more e-m-o. Anyway, i am always tough facing all my problems, not a big deal for me. Worst come to worst, work until fall sick or cry every night only. LOLLL......

Thanks to those friends and my relative and family members who vote me everyday. Support me like a princess. Glad to get those "love" from them. Appreciated and love you guys so much! *true from heart*

Never been awaiting for my "big" day before. Cause i will always think there have no one will willing to give me a surprise or a touching day. All i need is sincere true from your heart, thats enough. I have done many times to my friends thats why i feel sad.

Like i am happy my friend make a cake for me last year, we went out for dinner. Took photos. =) thanks!

Presents? YESH!!!!
^^ i will happy if i get any from you you you you...... any of you! hahahaha

wish me luck on my competition 

Saturday, January 26, 2013


Its a "big" day.... what a "surprise"!!
Went for a surgery for my neck 2 days ago. 

Since after my car accident, my neck injured. So every 2weeks fixed i will be going for check up. Do physio every week and take medicine everyday. Since October until January, my shoulder and neck still feel pain. My mum keep saying "Don't carry heavy bags to school, don't put too many things in your handbag!" But no choice, i have to take bus to KL for my class everyday. And i need to work every wednesday and thursday, do you think i can anyhow not to carry things? I need to study and at the same time i need to work for my part time job. If you think i shouldn't take heavy things, but ANYONE EVER HELP ME to carry things when i need people to help. When i come home, need to unload my stuff from my car, anyone come out and help me? When im in school, anyone ever said "come i help you to carry"? 

Seriously, i am already used to not to get any help from others. People who really help me i will appreciate and thank you. For me, you give me a little help then i will very appreciate already cos normally really don't have much could really help you. When i say thank you means i really appreacite =) 

I remembered, i'd been argued with my dad and my brother. I was so sad about my neck cos it keep annoying me and drag me alot of time to get done my stuff. I remembered, i have i alot of things to carry. A sewing machine, 2 rolls of paper, one bag of materials and another bag of fabric. Well when i take my stuff from the boot, my dad shouted :"faster la" then i angry already. I carried all by my self and shouted :" see i carry alot of stuff but never help me and some more shouted at me!" then i cried. I was sad because when ever my brother came back, everyone go out and help him to carry all the bag to his room. 
ME? =( 
I understand, he seldom come back and he is the one who take care the whole family. Hmmmm
*just the feeling*

Okay back to the main topic. 
Last week when i went for check up, doctor wrote me a letter and asked me to do MRI for my neck. Cause its already few months and after med and physio my neck still cant get better. After MRI will be clearer what cause my neck still pain.

What is MRI? This is what i did.
There is 2 types, and u can see the different from the picture. 

And i did the MRI with machine from the picture above. (the bottom one) 

I drove to hospital alone early in the morning, time 645am. Reported my self to the nurse and clothed on with what patient need to wear and wait for the MRI. After served me the breakfast, i slept alone in the room from 8am to 12pm. In the end, nurse came in and told me "be ready, we are going to do MRI soon"

After 10 to 15 mins, nurse brought me to the MRI room. I wait outside for around 15 mins and its damn cold and imagine im wearing a thin fabric and without inner wear. 

It takes around 15 mins to 20 mins on that table. Lying on the table and there's like a cage to lock my head in right position. Few lock on my body to avoid my body moving while the MRI is running. 

Went back to my room and wait for the report. The report have to wait about 2 or 3 hours for them to analyse. When dinner time, my parents came to visit me and doctor came in and said,

: " Your daughter need to do operation for her neck." 
: " Do laser to burn the disc from her neck bone" 
: " I will inject the thing from right side of your neck, and find the correct position, then i use laser to burn the disc" "Very fast one, its takes around 1 or 2 hours." 

Then my sister asked :" Will it be any after effect after the operation?"

He said maybe my voice will change a abit different because he go in from my neck through my throat. I was a bit worried but i still need to do it right? Cause the pain is really so annoying. My parents is worried and my sister too. And they decided to let me do this surgery so I HAVE TO STAY IN HOSPITAL!  I taught i can  go home after the MRI scan. But.............. no choice staying in hospital and wait for the operation tomorrow.

First time go to hospital alone.
First time stay in the hospital alone. 

hmmmmm...... well, its not scary. I sleep alone in a single bed room for few nights i think its quite comfortable. Not scary at all!

ok, i need to rest now, blog will be continue by tomorrow. 


Saturday, November 24, 2012


Appreciate??  Will you?

Happy to heard what my friend told me.
She thanks me.
:"ellie, you know, honestly i really very appreciate you help me this few days. No one wants to help me."
and she asked,
:"Why you so nice, why you help me?"
i answered :"You asked me, then i help you."

No one in school will ask me for help seriously and i don't know why! hahahaa... Anyway, i like to help. If i able to help you sure i will help you =)

I am so happy and feel abit shy when she said this to me. Like i found someone thats really appreciate what i done for them and they really see. Some people might not see you cause they only wants "someone" to help them thats it and never appreciate and never remember and never say thank you.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a good day =) glad to help you =)



Ellie is good enough to you compare to others. But you don't even appreciate and this is the 3rd time, 3rd time OKAY!!!  Hmmm. If i am the one who you find when you are boring only, please don't disturb me and mess up my mind and my time.

Something i not happy with is...
(he mentioned before)
-not everyone have to treat you good

Thats it...
Really thats it.

Sometime, you thought you want to find someone to share with and that person don't even interested and don't even care whats you're sharing. So sad okay.

Hmm.... bye to you =) There's lot more here to love me and care about me.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

It's been awhile

The feeling is back. I am not sure i think too much or what, anyway i don't feel good. Someone care someone's feeling so choose not to close with me? Or they don't even care about my feeling cause the other one is more important. Hmmmmm...... Cannot help ><''

This 2weeks manythings happened on me.

First, car accident. My neck got hurt, and now like very serious. From what doctor said, i should rest more and canot carry heavy stuff and do head exercise. No badminton and no roller coaster. Haihhhh....  somemore need to do physio for 3months. Now sleep also pain, sit or drive also pain. Neck, collar bone, shoulder, arms and back bone. Carry medicine everywhere.

Second, my sister's wedding. Because of my neck, now do anything also very difficult. Rushing mum's dress, my own dress and cousin's dinner dress. Bow ties and else la... Don't even have time to rest after the accident. Have to work on thursday. And there's a lot of work. Hmmm.. Doctor gave me 5days MC to rest at home but i still rushing my stuff in school. After this week, i think i really need to rest at home d. Damn tiring.

Will write a post about my sister's wedding after this. Stay tune!

*panaflex extra*

Friday, August 3, 2012



你的笑容是恩惠 世界難得那麼美 
於是追 要你陪 可惜本能終會將美麗汗水化成淚水

黑夜之所以會黑 叫醒人心裡的鬼
在遊說 在縈迴 在體內是什麼 在把我摧毀在傷痕累累

我可以無所謂 寂寞卻一直掉眼淚
人類除了擅長頹廢 做什麼都不對 Oh ... I'm not okay

我假裝無所謂 才看不到心被擰碎
人在愛情裡越殘廢 就會越多安慰 無論(有)多虛偽

空虛並非是詞彙 能夠形容的魔鬼
它支配著行為 能擺脫寂寞我什麼都肯給 就像個傀儡


*love this song so much*
*lyrics DIM!!*

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


How do identify a person whether is true anot? Can you teach me how? For those who know me will know whats my attitude and whats my thinking. Hardly accept anyone in my life and hardly open my heart and do considering. What i can say is " DISAPPOINTED ". Thought there will be something interesting appear in my life but too bad, its just " hi " and going to say "bye" ??? Hmmmmm..... What do you think?

Why people have to be so complicated?
Want then go for it.
Don't want then just leave it.
Don't mess everywhere....

Hmmmmm...... First time, really first time.


Monday, July 23, 2012



Finally i can go for his concert and live listening to his sound and his songs. Actually i quite enjoy it although it  end quite early. Hmmmm..... If i am alone, i think it will be more feeling good. Really hard to find someone to  accompany to his concert. Why no people like him? His songs very nice eh!! Here's the picture.... My seat is quite high from the stage but the middle part got lots of empty seats so me and my friend went down and switch our seat to front. =) *earn* hehehe

Doh, this is my classmate Daniel. Thanks for accompany me to the concert  =D 

AND!! i met my friend there, same row with me =) 
Lee Kar Yan 

After the concert then straight away go back to Seremban. *tired*

Realized i seldom use my camera already. Because of the tablet, capture already then can straight away can upload, more convenience. Btw, feel like getting a new camera but hmmmm...... *always want for new one* There's always the word, NOT ENOUGH even you already have it.

Nothing much to write this time.
Good night
bye bye

*sewing machine*